pRESENTERS: d.m., t.k. (Tues. 12/1)
The Country Wife, aCTS 4 & 5 (1675)
By William Wycherley
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THE PERSONS
Mr. Horner Mr. Harcourt Mr. Dorilant Mr. Pinchwife Mr. Sparkish Sir Jaspar Fidget Mrs. Margery Pinchwife Mrs. Alithea My Lady Fidget Mrs. Dainty Fidget Mrs. Squeamish Old Lady Squeamish Waiters, Servants, and Attendants A Boy A Quack Lucy, Alithea's Maid THE COUNTRY WIFE ACT 4. SCENE 1. In Pinchwife's house in the morning. Lucy, Alithea dress'd in new Cloths. Lucy. Well---Madam, now have I dress'd you, and set you out with so many ornaments, and spent upon you ounces of essence, and pulvilio; [RD90] and all this for no other purpose, but as People adorn, and perfume a Corps, for a stinking second-hand-grave, such or as bad I think Master Sparkish's bed. Alithea Hold your peace. Lucy. Nay, Madam, I will ask you the reason, why you wou'd banish poor Master Harcourt for ever from your sight? how cou'd you be so hard-hearted? Alithea 'Twas because I was not hard-hearted. Lucy. No, no; 'twas 'stark love and kindness, I warrant[RC88]. Alithea It was so; I wou'd see him no more, because I love him. Lucy. Hey day, a very pretty reason. Alithea You do not understand me. Lucy. I wish you may your self. Alithea I was engag'd to marry, you see, another man, whom my justice will not suffer me to deceive, or injure. Lucy. Can there be a greater cheat, or wrong done to a Man, than to give him your person, without your heart, I shou'd make a conscience of it. Alithea I'll retrieve it for him after I am married a while. Lucy. The Woman that marries to love better, will be as [25] much mistaken, as the Wencher[TK88] that marries to live better. No, Madam, marrying to encrease love, is like gaming to become rich; alas you only loose, what little stock you had before. Alithea I find by your Rhetorick [HG90] you have been brib'd to betray me. Lucy. Only by his merit, that has brib'd your heart you see against your word, and rigid honour; but what a Divel[RC89] is this honour? 'tis sure a disease in the head, like the Megrim [MK93], or Falling-sickness, that alwayes hurries People away to do themselves mischief; Men loose their lives by it: Women what's dearer to'em, their love, the life of life. Alithea Come, pray talk you no more of honour, nor Master Harcourt; I wish the other wou'd come, to secure my fidelity to him, and his right in me. Lucy. You will marry him then? Alithea Certainly, I have given him already my word, and will my hand too, to make it good when he comes. Lucy. Well, I wish I may never stick pin more, if he be not an errant [CH92] Natural, to t'other fine Gentleman. Alithea I own he wants the wit of Harcourt, which I will dispense withal, for another want he has, which is want of jealousie, which men of wit seldom want. Lucy. Lord, Madam, what shou'd you do with a fool to your Husband, you intend to be honest don't you? then that husbandly virtue, credulity, is thrown away upon you. Alithea [50] He only that could suspect my virtue, shou'd have cause to do it; 'tis Sparkish's confidence in my truth, that obliges me to be so faithful to him. Lucy. You are not sure his opinion may last. Alithea I am satisfied, 'tis impossible for him to be jealous, after the proofs I have had of him: Jealousie in a Husband, Heaven defend me from it, it begets a thousand plagues to a poor Woman, the loss of her honour, her quiet, and her--- Lucy. And her pleasure. Alithea What d'ye mean, Impertinent? Lucy. Liberty is a great pleasure, Madam. Alithea I say loss of her honour, her quiet, nay, her life sometimes; and what's as bad almost, the loss of this Town, that is, she is sent into the Country, which is the last ill usage of a Husband to a Wife, I think. Lucy. O do's the wind lye there? [Aside. Then of necessity, Madam, you think a man must carry his Wife into the Country, if he be wise; the Country is as terrible I find to our young English Ladies, as a Monastery to those abroad: and on my Virginity, I think they wou'd rather marry a London-Goaler, than a high Sheriff of a County, since neither can stir from his employment: formerly Women of wit married Fools, for a great Estate, a fine seat, or the like; but now 'tis for a pretty seat only in Lincoln's Inn-fields, St. James's-fields, or the Pall-mall. Enter to them Sparkish, and Harcourt dress'd like a Parson. Sparkish [75] Madam, your humble Servant, a happy day to you, and to us all. Harcourt Amen.--- Alithea Who have we here? Sparkish My Chaplain [SH98] faith---O Madam, poor Harcourt remembers his humble service to you; and in obedience to your last commands, refrains coming into your sight. Alithea Is not that he? Sparkish No, fye no; but to shew that he ne're intended to hinder our Match has sent his Brother here to joyn our hands: when I get me a Wife, I must get her a Chaplain, according to the Custom; this is his Brother, and my Chaplain. Alithea His Brother? Lucy. And your Chaplain, to preach in your Pulpit [HG91] then--- [Aside. Alithea His Brother! Sparkish Nay, I knew you wou'd not believe it; I told you, Sir, she wou'd take you for your Brother Frank. Alithea Believe it! Lucy. His Brother! hah, ha, he, he has a trick left still it seems--- [Aside. Sparkish Come my dearest, pray let us go to Church before the Canonical hour [CH93] is past. Alithea For shame you are abus'd [MJ 91] still. Sparkish By the World 'tis strange now you are so incredulous. Alithea 'Tis strange you are so credulous. Sparkish [100] Dearest of my life, hear me, I tell you this is Ned Harcourt of Cambridge, by the world, you see he has a sneaking Colledg look; 'tis true he's something like his Brother Frank and they differ from each other no more than in their age, for they were Twins. Lucy. Hah, ha, he. Alithea Your Servant, Sir, I cannot be so deceiv'd, though you are; but come let's hear, how do you know what you affirm so confidently? Sparkish Why, I'll tell you all; Frank Harcourt coming to me this morning, to wish me joy and present his service to you: I ask'd him, if he cou'd help me to a Parson; whereupon he told me, he had a Brother in Town who was in Orders, and he went straight away, and sent him, you see there, to me. Alithea Yes, Frank goes, and puts on a black-coat, then tell's you, he is Ned, that's all you have for't. Spar, Pshaw, pshaw, I tell you by the same token, the Midwife put her Garter about Frank's neck, to know'em asunder, they were so like. Alithea Frank tell's you this too. Sparkish Ay, and Ned there too; nay, they are both in a Story. Alithea So, so, very foolish. Sparkish Lord, if you won't believe one, you had best trye him by your Chamber-maid there; for Chamber-maids must needs know Chaplains from other Men, they are so us'd to'em. Lucy. [125] Let's see; nay, I'll be sworn he has the Canonical smirk, and the filthy, clammy palm of a Chaplain. Alithea Well, most reverend Doctor, pray let us make an end of this fooling. Harcourt With all my soul, Divine, Heavenly Creature, when you please. Alithea He speaks like a Chaplain indeed. Sparkish Why, was there not, soul, Divine, Heavenly, in what he said. Alithea Once more, most impertinent Black-coat, cease your persecution, and let us have a Conclusion of this ridiculous love. Harcourt I had forgot, I must sute my Stile to my Coat, or I wear it in vain. [Aside. Alithea I have no more patience left, let us make once an end of this troublesome Love, I say. Harcourt So be it, Seraphick [JM92] Lady, when your Honour shall think it meet, and convenient so to do. Sparkish Gad I'm sure none but a Chaplain cou'd speak so, I think. Alithea Let me tell you Sir, this dull trick will not serve your turn, though you delay our marriage, you shall not hinder it. Harcourt Far be it from me, Munificent[JH94] Patroness, to delay your Marriage, I desire nothing more than to marry you presently, [150] which I might do, if you your self wou'd; for my Noble, Good-natur'd and thrice Generous Patron here wou'd not hinder it. Sparkish No, poor man, not I faith. Harcourt And now, Madam, let me tell you plainly, no body else shall marry you by Heavens, I'll die first, for I'm sure I shou'd die after it. Lucy. How his Love has made him forget his Function, as I have seen it in real Parsons. Alithea That was spoken like a Chaplain too, now you understand him, I hope. Sparkish Poor man, he takes it hainously to be refus'd; I can't blame him, 'tis putting an indignity upon him not to be suffer'd, but you'l pardon me Madam, it shan't be, he shall marry us, come away, pray Madam. Lucy. Hah, ha, he, more ado! 'tis late. Alithea Invincible stupidity, I tell you he wou'd marry me, as your Rival, not as your Chaplain. Sparkish Come, come Madam. [Pulling her away. Lucy. I pray Madam, do not refuse this Reverend Divine, the honour and satisfaction of marrying you; for I dare say, he has set his heart upon't, good Doctor. Alithea What can you hope, or design by this? Harcourt I cou'd answer her, a reprieve for a day only, often revokes a hasty doom; at worst, if she will not take mercy [175] on me, and let me marry her, I have at least the Lovers second pleasure, hindring my Rivals enjoyment, though but for a time. Sparkish Come Madam, 'tis e'ne twelve a clock, and my Mother charg'd me never to be married out of the Canonical hours; come, come, Lord here's such a deal of modesty, I warrant the first day. Lucy. Yes, an't please your Worship, married women shew all their Modesty the first day, because married men shew all their love the first day. Exeunt Sparkish, Alithea, Harcourt, and Lucy. The Scene changes to a Bed-chamber, where appear Pinchwife, Mrs. Pinchwife. Mr. Pinch. Come tell me, I say. Mrs. Pinch. Lord, han't I told it an hundred times over. Mr. Pinch. I wou'd try, if in the repetition of the ungrateful tale, I cou'd find her altering it in the least circumstance, for if her story be false, she is so too. [Aside. Come how was't Baggage? Mrs. Pinch. Lord, what pleasure you take to hear it sure! Mr. Pinch. No, you take more in telling it I find, but speak how was't? Mrs. Pinch. He carried me up into the house, next to the Exchange. Mr. Pinchwife So, and you two were only in the room. Mrs. Pinchwife Yes, for he sent away a youth that was there, for some dryed fruit, and China Oranges. Mr. Pinchwife Did he so? Damn him for it---and for--- Mrs. Pinchwife [200] But presently came up the Gentlewoman of the house. Mr. Pinchwife O 'twas well she did, but what did he do whilest the fruit came? Mrs. Pinchwife He kiss'd me an hundred times, and told me he fancied he kiss'd my fine Sister, meaning me you know, whom he said he lov'd with all his Soul, and bid me be sure to tell her so, and to desire her to be at her window, by eleven of the clock this morning, and he wou'd walk under it at that time. Mr. Pinchwife And he was as good as his word, very punctual, a pox reward him for't. [Aside. Mrs. Pinchwife Well, and he said if you were not within, he wou'd come up to her, meaning me you know, Bud, still. Mr. Pinchwife So---he knew her certainly, but for this confession, I am oblig'd to her simplicity. [Aside. But what you stood very still, when he kiss'd you? Mrs. Pinchwife Yes I warrant you, wou'd you have had me discover'd my self? Mr. Pinchwife But you told me, he did some beastliness to you, as you call'd it, what was't? Mrs. Pinchwife Why, he put--- Mr. Pinchwife What? Mrs. Pinchwife Why he put the tip of his tongue between my lips, and so musl'd me---and I said, I'd bite it. Mr. Pinchwife [225] An eternal canker seize it, for a dog. Mrs. Pinchwife Nay, you need not be so angry with him neither, for to say truth, he has the sweetest breath I ever knew. Mr. Pinchwife The Devil---you were satisfied with it then, and wou'd do it again. Mrs. Pinchwife Not unless he shou'd force me. Mr. Pinchwife Force you, changeling! I tell you no woman can be forced. Mrs. Pinchwife Yes, but she may sure, by such a one as he, for he's a proper, goodly strong man, 'tis hard, let me tell you, to resist him. Mr. Pinchwife So, 'tis plain she loves him, yet she has not love enough to make her conceal it from me, but the sight of him will increase her aversion for me, and love for him; and that love instruct her how to deceive me, and satisfie him, all Ideot as she is: Love, 'twas he gave women first their craft, their art of deluding; out of natures hands, they came plain, open, silly and fit for slaves, as she and Heaven intended'em; but damn'd Love---Well---I must strangle that little Monster, whilest I can deal with him. Go fetch Pen, Ink and Paper out of the next room: Mrs Mr. Pinchwife Yes Bud. [Exit Mrs. Pinchwife. Mr. Pinchwife Why should Women have more invention in love than men? It can only be, because they have more desires, more solliciting passions, more lust, and more of the Devil. Mistris Pinchwife returns. [Aside. [250] Come, Minks, sit down and write. Mrs. Pinchwife Ay, dear Bud, but I can't do't very well. Mr. Pinchwife I wish you cou'd not at all. Mrs. Pinchwife But what shou'd I write for? Mr. Pinchwife I'll have you write a Letter to your Lover. Mrs. Pinchwife O Lord, to the fine Gentleman a Letter! Mr. Pinchwife Yes, to the fine Gentleman. Mrs. Pinchwife Lord, you do but jeer; sure you jest. Mr. Pinchwife I am not so merry, come write as I bid you. Mrs. Pinchwife What, do you think I am a fool? Mr. Pinchwife She's afraid I would not dictate any love to him, therefore she's unwilling; but you had best begin. Mrs. Pinchwife Indeed, and indeed, but I won't, so I won't. Mr. Pinchwife Why? Mrs. Pinchwife Because he's in Town, you may send for him if you will. Mr. Pinchwife Very well, you wou'd have him brought to you; is it come to this? I say take the pen and write, or you'll provoke me. Mrs. Pinchwife Lord, what d'ye make a fool of me for? Don't I know that Letters are never writ, but from the Countrey to London, and from London into the Countrey; now he's in Town, and I am in Town too; therefore I can't write to him you know. Mr. Pinchwife So I am glad it is no worse, she is innocent enough [275] yet [Aside. Yes you may when your Husband bids you write Letters to people that are in Town. Mrs. Pinchwife O may I so! Then I'm satisfied. Mr. Pinchwife Come begin---Sir--- [Dictates. Mrs. Pinchwife Shan't I say, Dear Sir? You know one says always something more than bare Sir. Mr. Pinchwife Write as I bid you, or I will write Whore with this Penknife in your Face. Mrs. Pinchwife Nay good Bud---Sir--- [She writes. Mr. Pinchwife Though I suffer'd last night your nauseous, loath'd Kisses and Embraces---Write Mrs. Pinchwife Nay, why shou'd I say so, you know I told you, he had a sweet breath. Mr. Pinchwife Write. Mrs. Pinchwife Let me but put out, loath'd. Mr. Pinchwife Write I say. Mrs. Pinchwife Well then. [Writes. Mr. Pinchwife Let's see what have you writ? Though I suffer'd last night your kisses and embraces--- [Takes the paper, and reads. Thou impudent[TK89] creature, where is nauseous and loath'd? Mrs. Pinchwife I can't abide to write such filthy words. Mr. Pinchwife Once more write as I'd have you, and question it not, or I will spoil thy writing with this, I will stab out those eyes that cause my mischief. [Holds up the penknife. Mrs. Pinchwife [300] O Lord, I will. Mr. Pinchwife So---so---Let's see now! [Reads. Though I suffer'd last night your nauseous, loath'd kisses, and embraces; Go on---Yet I would not have you presume that you shall ever repeat them---So--- [She writes. Mrs. Pinchwife I have writ it. Mr. Pinchwife On then---I then conceal'd my self from your knowledge, to avoid your insolencies--- [She writes. Mrs. Pinchwife So--- Mr. Pinchwife The same reason now I am out of your hands--- [She writes. Mrs. Pinchwife So--- Mr. Pinchwife Makes me own to you my unfortunate, though innocent frolick, of being in man's cloths. [She writes. Mrs. Pinchwife So--- Mr. Pinchwife That you may for ever more cease to pursue her, who hates and detests you--- [She writes on. Mrs. Pinchwife So---h--- [Sighs. Mr. Pinchwife What do you sigh?---detests you---as much as she loves her Husband and her Honour--- Mrs. Pinchwife I vow Husband he'll ne'er believe, I shou'd write such a Letter. Mr. Pinchwife What he'd expect a kinder from you? come now your name only. Mrs. Pinchwife What, shan't I say your most faithful, humble Servant till death? Mr. Pinchwife [325] No, tormenting Fiend; her stile I find wou'd be very soft. [Aside. Come wrap it up now, whilest I go fetch wax and a candle; and write on the back side, for Mr. Horner. [Exit Pinchwife. Mrs. Pinchwife For Mr. Horner---So, I am glad he has told me his name; Dear Mr. Horner, but why should I send thee such a Letter, that will vex thee, and make thee angry with me;---well I will not send it---Ay but then my husband will kill me---for I see plainly, he won't let me love Mr. Horner---but what care I for my Husband---I won't so I won't send poor Mr. Horner such a Letter---but then my Husband---But oh---what if I writ at bottom, my Husband made me write it---Ay but then my Husband wou'd see't---Can one have no shift, ah, a London woman wou'd have had a hundred presently; stay---what if I shou'd write a Letter, and wrap it up like this, and write upon't too; ay but then my Husband wou'd see't---I don't know what to do---But yet y vads I'll try, so I will--- for I will not send this Letter to poor Mr. Horner, come what will on't. Dear, Sweet Mr. Horner---So--- my Husband wou'd have me send you a base, rude, unmannerly Letter---but She writes, and repeats what she hath writ. I won't---so---and wou'd have me forbid you loving me---but I wont---so---and wou'd have me [350] say to you, I hate you poor Mr. Horner---but I won't tell a lye for him---there---for I'm sure if you and I were in the Countrey at cards together,---so---I cou'd not help treading on your Toe under the Table---so---or rubbing knees with you, and staring in your face, 'till you saw me ---very well---and then looking down, and blushing for an hour together---so---but I must make haste before my Husband come; and now he has taught me to write Letters: You shall have longer ones from me, who am Dear, dear, poor dear Mr. Horner, your most Humble Friend, and Servant to command 'till death, Margery Pinchwife. Stay I must give him a hint at bottom---so---now wrap it up just like t'other---so---now write for Mr. Horner,--- But oh now what shall I do with it? for here comes my Husband. Enter Pinchwife. Mr. Pinchwife I have been detained by a Sparkish Coxcomb, who pretended a visit to me; but I fear 'twas to my Wife. [Aside. What, have you done? Mrs. Pinchwife Ay, ay Bud, just now. Mr. Pinchwife Let's see't, what d'ye tremble for; what, you wou'd not have it go? Mrs. Pinchwife Here---No I must not give him that, so I had been served if I He opens, and reads the first Letter. had given him this. [Aside. Mr. Pinchwife Come, where's the Wax and Seal? Mrs. Pinchwife [375] Lord, what shall I do now? Nay then I have it--- [Aside. Pray let me see't, Lord you think Snatches the Letter from him, changes it for the other, seals it, and delivers it to him. me so errand a fool, I cannot seal a Letter, I will do't, so I will. Mr. Pinchwife Nay, I believe you will learn that, and other things too, which I wou'd not have you. Mrs. Pinchwife So, han't I done it curiously? I think I have, there's my Letter going to Mr. Horner; since he'll needs have me send Letters to Folks. [Aside. Mr. Pinchwife 'Tis very well, but I warrant, you wou'd not have it go now? Mrs. Pinchwife Yes indeed, but I wou'd, Bud, now. Mr. Pinchwife Well you are a good Girl then, come let me lock you up in your chamber, 'till I come back; and be sure you come not within three strides of the window, when I am gone; for I have a spye in the street. [Exit Mrs. Pinchwife At least, 'tis fit she think so, if we do Pinchwife locks the door. not cheat women, they'll cheat us; and fraud may be justly used with secret enemies, of which a Wife is the most dangerous; and he that has a handsome one to keep, and a Frontier Town, must provide against treachery, rather than open Force---Now I have secur'd all within, I'll deal with the Foe without with false intelligence. Holds up the Letter. [Exit Pinchwife. The Scene changes to Horner's Lodging. Quack and Horner. Quack. Well Sir, how fadges the new design; have you [400] not the luck of all your brother Projectors, to deceive only your self at last. Horner No, good Domine Doctor, I deceive you it seems, and others too; for the grave Matrons, and old ridgid Husbands think me as unfit for love, as they are; but their Wives, Sisters and Daughters, know some of'em better things already. Quack. Already! Horner Already, I say; last night I was drunk with half a dozen of your civil persons, as you call'em, and people of Honour, and so was made free of their Society, and dressing rooms for ever hereafter; and am already come to the privileges of sleeping upon their Pallats, warming Smocks, tying Shooes and Garters, and the like Doctor, already, already Doctor. Quack. You have made use of your time, Sir. Horner I tell thee, I am now no more interruption to'em, when they sing, or talk bawdy, than a little squab French Page, who speaks no English. Quack. But do civil persons, and women of Honour drink, and sing bawdy Songs? Horner O amongst Friends, amongst Friends; for your Bigots in Honour, are just like those in Religion; they fear the eye of the world, more than the eye of Heaven, and think there is no virtue, but railing[JH95] at vice; and no sin, but giving scandal: They rail at a poor, little, kept Player, and keep [425] themselves some young, modest Pulpit Comedian to be privy to their sins in their Closets, not to tell'em of them in their Chappels. Quack. Nay, the truth on't is, Priests amongst the women now, have quite got the better of us Lay Confessors, Physicians. Horner And they are rather their Patients, but--- Enter my Lady Fidget, looking about her. Now we talk of women of Honour, here comes one, step behind the Screen there, and but observe; if I have not particular privileges, with the women of reputation already, Doctor, already. Lady Fidget Well Horner, am not I a woman of Honour? you see I'm as good as my word. Horner And you shall see Madam, I'll not be behind hand with you in honour; and I'll be as good as my word too, if you please but to withdraw into the next room. Lady Fidget But first, my dear Sir, you must promise to have a care of my dear Honour. Horner If you talk a word more of your Honour, you'll make me incapable to wrong it; to talk of Honour in the mysteries of Love, is like talking of Heaven, or the Deity in an operation of Witchcraft, just when you are employing the Devil, it makes the charm impotent. Lady Fidget Nay, fie, let us not be smooty[MJ 92]; but you talk of mysteries, and bewitching to me, I don't understand you. Horner [450] I tell you Madam, the word money in a Mistresses mouth, at such a nick of time, is not a more disheartning sound to a younger Brother, than that of Honour to an eager Lover like my self. Lady Fidget But you can't blame a Lady of my reputation to be chary. [MK94] Horner Chary[MK94]---I have been chary[MK94] of it already, by the report I have caus'd of my self. Lady Fidget Ay, but if you shou'd ever let other women know that dear secret, it would come out; nay, you must have a great care of your conduct; for my acquaintance are so censorious, [RD91] (oh 'tis a wicked censorious world, Mr. Horner) I say, are so censorious, and detracting, that perhaps they'll talk to the prejudice of my Honour, though you shou'd not let them know the dear secret. Horner Nay Madam, rather than they shall prejudice your Honour, I'll prejudice theirs; and to serve you, I'll lye with 'em all, make the secret their own, and then they'll keep it: I am a Machiavel in love Madam. Lady Fidget O, no Sir, not that way. Horner Nay, the Devil take me, if censorious women are to be silenc'd any other way. Lady Fidget A secret is better kept I hope, by a single person, than a multitude; therefore pray do not trust any body else with it, dear, dear Mr. Horner. [Embracing him. Enter Sir Jaspar Fidget. Sir Jas. [475] How now! Lady Fidget O my Husband---prevented---and what's almost as bad, found with my arms about another man--- that will appear too much---what shall I say? [Aside. Sir Jaspar come hither, I am trying if Mr. Horner were ticklish, and he's as ticklish as can be, I love to torment the confounded Toad; let you and I tickle him. Sir Jas. No, your Ladyship will tickle him better without me, I suppose, but is this your buying China, I thought you had been at the China House? Horner China-House, that's my Cue, I must take it [Aside. A Pox, can't you keep your impertinent Wives at home? some men are troubled with the Husbands, but I with the Wives; but I'd have you to know, since I cannot be your Journey-man by night, I will not be your drudge by day, to squire your wife about, and be your man of straw, or scare-crow only to Pyes and Jays; that would be nibling at your forbidden fruit; I shall be shortly the Hackney Gentleman-Usher of the Town. Sir Jas. Heh, heh, he, poor fellow he's in the right on't faith, to squire women about for other folks, is as ungrateful an employment, as to tell money for other folks; [Aside. heh, he, he, ben't angry Horner--- Lady Fidget No, 'tis I have more reason to be angry, who am left by you, to go abroad indecently alone; or, what is more [500] indecent, to pin my self upon such ill bred people of your acquaintance, as this is. Sir Jas. Nay, pr'ythee what has he done? Lady Fidget Nay, he has done nothing. Sir Jas. But what d'ye take ill, if he has done nothing? Lady Fidget Hah, hah, hah, Faith, I can't but laugh however; why d'ye think the unmannerly toad wou'd not come down to me to the Coach, I was fain to come up to fetch him, or go without him, which I 'was resolved not to do; for he knows China very well, and has himself very good, but will not let me see it, lest I should beg some; but I will find it out, and have what I came for yet. Exit Lady Fidget, and locks the door, followed by Horner to the door. Horner Lock the door Madam--- [Apart to Lady Fidget. So, she has got into my chamber, and lock'd me out; oh the impertinency of woman-kind! Well Sir Jaspar, plain dealing is a Jewel; if ever you suffer your Wife to trouble me again here, she shall carry you home a pair of Horns, by my Lord Major she shall; though I cannot furnish you my self, you are sure, yet I'll find a way. Sir Jas. Hah, ha, he, at my first coming in, and finding her arms about him, tickling him it seems, I was half jealous, but now I see my folly. [Aside. Heh, he, he, poor Horner. Horner Nay, though you laugh now, 'twill be my turn e're long: Oh women, more impertinent, more cunning, and [525] more mischievous than their Monkeys, and to me almost as ugly---now is she throwing my things about, and rifling all I have, but I'll get into her the back way, and so rifle her for it--- Sir Jas. Hah, ha, ha, poor angry Horner. Horner Stay here a little, I'll ferret her out to you presently, I warrant. [Exit Horner at t'other door. Sir Jas. Wife, my Lady Fidget, Wife, he is coming into you the back way. Sir Jaspar calls through the door to his Wife, she answers from within. Lady Fidget Let him come, and welcome, which way he will. Sir Jas. He'll catch you, and use you roughly, and be too strong for you. Lady Fidget Don't you trouble your self, let him if he can. Quack. [Behind] This indeed, I cou'd not have believ'd from him, nor any but my own eyes. Enter Mistris Squeamish. Squeam. Where's this Woman-hater, this Toad, this ugly, greasie, dirty Sloven[RG89]? Sir Jas. So the women all will have him ugly, methinks he is a comely person; but his wants make his form contemptible to'em; and 'tis e'en as my Wife said yesterday, talking of him, that a proper handsome Eunuch, was as ridiculous a thing, as a Gigantick Coward. Squeam. Sir Jaspar, your Servant, where is the odious [550] Beast? Sir Jas. He's within in his chamber, with my Wife; she's playing the wag with him. Squeam. Is she so, and he's a clownish beast, he'll give her no quarter, he'll play the wag with her again, let me tell you; come, let's go help her---What, the door's lock't? Sir Jas. Ay, my Wife lock't it--- Squeam. Did she so, let us break it open then? Sir Jas. No, no, he'll do her no hurt. Squeam. No---But is there no other way to get into 'em, whither goes this? I will disturb'em. [Aside. [Exit Squeamish at another door. Enter old Lady Squeamish. Old L. Squeam. Where is this Harlotry, this Impudent Baggage, this rambling Tomrigg? O Sir Jaspar, I'm glad to see you here, did you not see my vil'd Grandchild come in hither just now? Sir Jas. Yes, Old L. Squeam, Ay, but where is she then? where is she? Lord Sir Jaspar I have e'ne ratled my self to pieces in pursuit of her, but can you tell what she makes here, they say below, no woman lodges here. Sir Jas. No. Old L. Squeam. No---What does she here then? say if it be not a womans lodging, what makes she here? but are you sure no woman lodges here? Sir Jas. No, nor no man neither, this is Mr. Horners Lodging. Old L. Squeam. [575] Is it so are you sure? Sir Jas. Yes, yes. Old L. Squeam. So then there's no hurt in't I hope, but where is he? Sir Jas. He's in the next room with my Wife. Old L. Squeam. Nay if you trust him with your wife, I may with my Biddy, they say he's a merry harmless man now, e'ne as harmless a man as ever came out of Italy with a good voice, and as pretty harmless company for a Lady, as a Snake without his teeth. Sir Jas. Ay. ay poor man. Enter Mrs. Squeamish. Squeam. I can't find'em---Oh are you here, Grandmother, I follow'd you must know my Lady Fidget hither, 'tis the prettyest lodging, and I have been staring on the prettyest Pictures. [Enter Lady Fidget with a piece of China in her hand, and Horner following. Lady Fidget And I have been toyling and moyling, [JM93] for the pretti'st piece of China, my Dear. Horner Nay she has been too hard for me do what I cou'd. Squeam. Oh Lord I'le have some China too, good Mr. Horner, don't think to give other people China, and me none, come in with me too. Horner Upon my honour I have none left now. Squeam. Nay, nay I have known you deny your China before now, but you shan't put me off so, come--- Horner This Lady had the last there. Lady Fidget [600] Yes indeed Madam, to my certain knowledge he has no more left. Squeam. O but it may be he may have some you could not find. Lady Fidget What d'y think if he had had any left, I would not have had it too, for we women of quality never think we have China enough. Horner Do not take it ill, I cannot make China for you all, but I will have a Rol-waggon for you too, another time. Squeam. Thank you dear Toad. [To Horn, aside. La Fid. What do you mean by that promise? Horner Alas she has an innocent, literal understanding. Apart to Lady Fidget. Old L. Squeam. Poor Mr. Horner, he has enough to doe to please you all, I see. Horner Ay Madam, you see how they use me. Old L. Squeam. Poor Gentleman I pitty you. Horner I thank you Madam, I could never find pitty, but from such reverend Ladies as you are, the young ones will never spare a man. Squeam. Come come, Beast, and go dine with us, for we shall want a man at Hombre after dinner. Horner That's all their use of me Madam you see. Squeam. Come Sloven, I'le lead you to be sure of you. Pulls him by the Crevat. Old L. Squeam. [625] Alas poor man how she tuggs him, kiss, kiss her, that's the way to make such nice women quiet. Horner No Madam, that Remedy is worse than the Torment, they know I dare suffer any thing rather than do it. Old La. Squeam. Prythee kiss her, and I'le give you her Picture in little, that you admir'd so last night, prythee do. Horner Well nothing but that could bribe me, I love a woman only in Effigie, and good Painting as much as I hate them---I'le do't, for I cou'd adore the Devil well painted. [Kisses Mrs. Squeam. Squeam. Foh, you filthy Toad, nay now I've done jesting. Old L. Squam. Ha, ha, ha, I told you so. Squeam. Foh a kiss of his--- Sir Jas. Has no more hurt in't, than one of my Spaniels. Squeam. Nor no more good neither. Quack. I will now believe any thing he tells me. [Behind. Enter Mr. Pinchwife. Lady Fidget O Lord here's a man, Sir Jaspar, my Mask, my Mask, I would not be seen here for the world. Sir Jas. What not when I am with you. Lady Fidget No, no my honour---let's be gone. Squeam. Oh Grandmother, let us be gone, make hast, make hast, I know not how he may censure us. Lady Fidget Be found in the lodging of any thing like a man, away. [Exeunt Sir Jas. Lady Fidget Old La. Squeam. Mrs. Squeamish. Quack. What's here another Cuckold---he looks like one, and none else sure have any business with him, [Behind. Horner [650] Well what brings my dear friend hither? Mr. Pinch. Your impertinency. Horner My impertinency---why you Gentlemen that have got handsome Wives, think you have a privilege of saying any thing to your friends, and are as brutish, as if you were our Creditors. Mr. Pinch. No Sir, I'le ne're trust you any way. Horner But why not, dear Jack, why diffide in me, thou knowst so well. Mr. Pinchwife Because I do know you so well. Horner Han't I been always thy friend honest Jack, always ready to serve thee, in love, or battle, before thou wert married, and am so still. Mr. Pinchwife I believe so you wou'd be my second now indeed. Horner Well then dear Jack, why so unkind, so grum, so strange to me, come prythee kiss me deare Rogue, gad I was always I say, and am still as much thy Servant as--- Mr. Pinchwife As I am yours Sir. What you wou'd send a kiss to my Wife, is that it? Horner So there 'tis---a man can't shew his friendship to a married man, but presently he talks of his wife to you, prythee let thy Wife alone, and let thee and I be all one, as we were wont, what thou art as shye of my kindness, as a Lumbard-street Alderman of a Courtiers civility at Lockets. Mr. Pinchwife But you are over kind to me, as kind, as if I were [675] your Cuckold already, yet I must confess you ought to be kind and civil to me, since I am so kind, so civil to you, as to bring you this, look you there Sir. [Delivers him a Letter. Horner What is't? Mr. Pinch. Only a Love Letter Sir. Horner From whom---how, this is from your Wife--- hum---and hum--- [Reads. Mr. Pinchwife Even from my Wife Sir, am I not wondrous kind and civil to you, now too? [Aside. But you'l not think her so. Horner Ha, is this a trick of his or hers [Aside. Mr. Pinchwife The Gentleman's surpriz'd I find, what you expected a kinder Letter? Horner No faith not I, how cou'd I. Mr. Pinchwife Yes yes, I'm sure you did, a man so well made as you are must needs be disappointed, if the women declare not their passion at first sight or opportunity. Horner But what should this mean? stay the Postcript. Be sure you love me whatsoever my husband says to the contrary, and let him not see this, lest he should come home, and pinch me, or kill my Squirrel. [Reads aside. It seems he knows not what the Letter contains. [Aside. Mr. Pinchwife Come ne're wonder at it so much. Horner Faith I can't help it. Mr. Pinchwife Now I think I have deserv'd your infinite friendship, [700] and kindness, and have shewed my self sufficiently an obliging kind friend and husband, am I not so, to bring a Letter from my Wife to her Gallant? Horner Ay, the Devil take me, art thou, the most obliging, kind friend and husband in the world, ha, ha. Mr. Pinchwife Well you may be merry Sir, but in short I must tell you Sir, my honour will suffer no jesting. Horner What do'st thou mean? Mr. Pinchwife Does the Letter want a Comment? then know Sir, though I have been so civil a husband, as to bring you a Letter from my Wife, to let you kiss and court her to my face, I will not be a Cuckold Sir, I will not. Horner Thou art mad with jealousie, I never saw thy Wife in my life, but at the Play yesterday, and I know not if it were she or no, I court her, kiss her! Mr. Pinchwife I will not be a Cuckold I say, there will be danger in making me a Cuckold. Horner Why, wert thou not well cur'd of thy last clap? Mr. Pinchwife I weare a Sword. Horner It should be taken from thee, lest thou should'st do thy self a mischiefe with it, thou art mad, Man. Mr. Pinchwife As mad as I am, and as merry as you are, I must have more reason from you e're we part, I say again though you kiss'd, and courted last night my Wife in man's clothes, as she confesses in her Letter. Horner [725] Ha--- [Aside. Mr. Pinchwife Both she and I say you must not design it again, for you have mistaken your woman, as you have done your man. Horner Oh---I understand something now---[Aside. Was that thy Wife? why would'st thou not tell me 'twas she? faith my freedome with her was your fault, not mine. Mr. Pinchwife Faith so 'twas--- [Aside. Horner Fye, I'de never do't to a woman before her husbands face, sure. Mr. Pinchwife But I had rather you should do't to my wife before my face, than behind my back, and that you shall never doe. Horner No---you will hinder me. Mr. Pinchwife If I would not hinder you, you see by her Letter, she wou'd. Horner Well, I must e'ne acquiess then, and be contented with what she writes. Mr. Pinchwife I'le assure you 'twas voluntarily writ, I had no hand in't you may believe me. Horner I do believe thee, faith. Mr. Pinchwife And believe her too, for she's an innocent creature, has no dissembling in her, and so fare you well Sir. Horner Pray however present my humble service to her, and tell her I will obey her Letter to a tittle, and fulfill her desires [750] be what they will, or with what difficulty soever I do't, and you shall be no more jealous of me, I warrant her, and you--- Mr. Pinchwife Well then fare you well, and play with any mans honour but mine, kiss any mans wife but mine, and welcome--- [Exit Mr. Pinch. Horner Ha, ha, ha, Doctor. Quack. It seems he has not heard the report of you, or does not believe it. Horner Ha, ha, now Doctor what think you? Quack. Pray let's see the Letter---hum---for--- deare---love you--- [Reads the Letter. Horner I wonder how she cou'd contrive it! what say'st thou to't, 'tis an Original. Quack. So are your Cuckolds too Originals: for they are like no other common Cuckolds, and I will henceforth believe it not impossible for you to Cuckold the Grand Signior amidst his Guards of Eunuchs, that I say--- Horner And I say for the Letter, 'tis the first love Letter that ever was without Flames, Darts, Fates, Destinies, Lying and Dissembling in't. Enter Sparkish pulling in Mr. Pinchwife. Sparkish Come back, you are a pretty Brother-in-law, neither go to Church, nor to dinner with your Sister Bride. Mr. Pinchwife My Sister denies her marriage, and you see is gone away from you dissatisfy'd. Sparkish Pshaw, upon a foolish scruple, that our Parson was [775] not in lawful Orders, and did not say all the Common Prayer, but 'tis her modesty only I believe, but let women be never so modest the first day, they'l be sure to come to themselves by night, and I shall have enough of her then; in the mean time, Harry Horner, you must dine with me, I keep my wedding at my Aunts in the Piazza. Horner Thy wedding, what stale Maid has liv'd to despaire of a husband, or what young one of a Gallant? Sparkish O your Servant Sir---this Gentlemans Sister then ---No stale Maid. Horner I'm sorry for't. Mr. Pinchwife How comes he so concern'd for her---[Aside. Sparkish You sorry for't, why do you know any ill by her? Horner No, I know none but by thee, 'tis for her sake, not yours, and another mans sake that might have hop'd, I thought--- Sparkish Another Man, another man, what is his Name? Horner Nay since 'tis past he shall be nameless. Poor Harcourt I am sorry thou mist her--- [Aside Mr. Pinchwife He seems to be much troubled at the match---. [Aside. Sparkish Prythee tell me---nay you shan't go Brother. Mr. Pinchwife I must of necessity, but I'le come to you to dinner. [Exit Pinchwife. Sparkish But Harry, what have I a Rival in my Wife already? but withal my heart, for he may be of use to me hereafter, for [800] though my hunger is now my sawce, and I can fall on heartily without, but the time will come, when a Rival will be as good sawce for a married man to a wife, as an Orange to Veale. Horner O thou damn'd Rogue, thou hast set my teeth on edge with thy Orange. Sparkish Then let's to dinner, there I was with you againe, come. Horner But who dines with thee? Sparkish My Friends and Relations, my Brother Pinchwife you see of your acquaintance. Horner And his Wife. Sparkish No gad, he'l nere let her come amongst us good fellows, your stingy country Coxcomb keeps his wife from his friends, as he does his little Firkin of Ale, for his own drinking, and a Gentleman can't get a smack on't, but his servants, when his back is turn'd broach it at their pleasures, and dust it away, ha, ha, ha, gad I am witty, I think, considering I was married to day, by the world, but come--- Horner No, I will not dine with you, unless you can fetch her too. Sparkish Pshaw what pleasure can'st thou have with women now, Harry? Horner My eyes are not gone, I love a good prospect yet, and will not dine with you, unless she does too, go fetch [825] her therefore, but do not tell her husband, 'tis for my sake. Sparkish Well I'le go try what I can do, in the mean time come away to my Aunts lodging, 'tis in the way to Pinchwifes. Horner The poor woman has call'd for aid, and stretch'd forth her hand Doctor, I cannot but help her over the Pale out of the Bryars. [Exeunt Sparkish, Horner, Quack. The Scene changes to Pinchwifes house. Mrs. Pinchwife alone leaning on her elbow. A Table, Pen, Ink, and Paper. Mrs. Pinchwife Well 'tis 'ene so, I have got the London disease, they call Love, I am sick of my Husband, and for my Gallant; I have heard this distemper, call'd a Feaver, but methinks 'tis liker an Ague, for when I think of my Husband, I tremble and am in a cold sweat, and have inclinations to vomit, but when I think of my Gallant, dear Mr. Horner, my hot fit comes, and I am all in a Feaver, indeed, & as in other Feavers, my own Chamber is tedious to me, and I would fain be remov'd to his, and then methinks I shou'd be well; ah poor Mr. Horner, well I cannot, will not stay here, therefore I'le make an end of my Letter to him, which shall be a finer Letter than my last, because I have studied it like any thing; O Sick, Sick! [Takes the Pen and writes. Enter Mr. Pinchwife who seeing her writing steales softly behind her, and looking over her shoulder, snatches the paper from her. Mr. Pinchwife What writing more Letters? Mrs. Pinchwife O Lord Budd, why d'ye fright me so? She offers to run out: he stops her, and reads. Mr. Pinchwife How's this! nay you shall not stir Madam. [850] Deare, Deare, deare, Mr Horner---very well--- I have taught you to write Letters to good purpose---but let's see't. First I am to beg your pardon for my boldness in writing to you, which I'de have you to know, I would not have done, had not you said first you lov'd me so extreamly, which if you doe, you will never suffer me to lye in the arms of another man, whom I loath. nauseate, and detest---[Now you can write these filthy words] but what follows--- Therefore I hope you will speedily find some way to free me from this unfortunate match, which was never, I assure you, of my choice, but I'm afraid 'tis already too far gone; however if you love me, as I do you, you will try what you can do, but you must help me away before to morrow, or else alass I shall be for ever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our---our---what is to follow our--- speak what? our Journey into [The Letter concludes. the Country I suppose---Oh Woman, damn'd Woman, and Love, damn'd Love, their old Tempter, for this is one of his miracles, in a moment, he can make those blind that cou'd see, and those see that were blind, those dumb that could speak, and those prattle who were dumb before, nay what is more than all, make these dow-bak'd, sensless, indocile animals, Women, too hard for us their Politick Lords and Rulers in a moment; But make an end of your Letter, and then [875] I'le make an end of you thus, and all my plagues together. Draws his Sword. Mrs. Pinchwife O Lord, O Lord you are such a Passionate Man, Budd. Enter Sparkish. Sparkish How now what's here to doe. Mr. Pinchwife This Fool here now! Sparkish What drawn upon your Wife? you shou'd never do that but at night in the dark when you can't hurt her, this is my Sister in Law is it not? ay faith e'ne our Pulls aside her Handkercheife. Country Margery, one may know her, come she and you must go dine with me, dinner's ready, come, but where's my Wife, is she not come home yet, where is she? Mr. Pinchwife Making you a Cuckold, 'tis that they all doe, as soon as they can. Sparkish What the Wedding day? no, a Wife that designs to make a Cully of her Husband, will be sure to let him win the first stake of love, by the world, but come they stay dinner for us, come I'le lead down our Margery. Mrs. Pinchwife No---Sir go we'l follow you. Sparkish I will not wag without you. Mr. Pinchwife This Coxcomb [SH99] is a sensible torment to me amidst the greatest in the world. Sparkish Come, come Madam Margery. Mr. Pinchwife No I'le lead her my way, what wou'd you treat your friends [900] with mine, for want of your own Wife? Leads her. to t'other door, and locks her in and returns. I am contented my rage shou'd take breath--- [Aside. Sparkish I told Horner this. Mr. Pinchwife Come now. Sparkish Lord, how shye you are of your Wife, but let me tell you Brother, we men of wit have amongst us a saying, that Cuckolding like the small Pox comes with a fear, and you may keep your Wife as much as you will out of danger of infection, but if her constitution incline her to't, she'l have it sooner or later by the world, say they. Mr. Pinchwife What a thing is a Cuckold, that every fool can make him ridiculous--- [Aside. Well Sir---But let me advise you, now you are come to be concern'd, because you suspect the danger, not to neglect the means to prevent it, especially when the greatest share of the Malady will light upon your own head, for--- How'sere the kind Wife's Belly comes to swell. The Husband breeds for her, and first is ill. ACT 5. SCENE 1. Mr. Pinchwifes House. Enter Mr. Pinchwife and Mrs. Pinchwife, a Table and Candle. Mr. Pinchwife Come take the Pen and make an end of the Letter, just as you intended, if you are false in a tittle, I shall soon perceive it, and punish you with this as you deserve, write what was to follow---let's see--- Lays his hand on his Sword. [You must make haste and help me away before to morrow, or else I shall be for ever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our---] What follows our?--- Mrs. Pinchwife Must all out then Budd?--- Look you there then. Mrs. Pinchwife takes the Pen and writes. Mr. Pinchwife Let's see---[For I can defer no longer our---Wedding---Your slighted Alithea] What's the meaning of this, my Sisters name to't, speak, unriddle? Mrs. Pinchwife Yes indeed Budd. Mr. Pinchwife But why her name to't speak---speak I say? Mrs. Pinchwife Ay but you'l tell her then again, if you wou'd not tell her again. Mr. Pinchwife I will not, I am stunn'd, my head turns round, speak. Mrs. Pinchwife Won't you tell her indeed, and indeed. Mr. Pinchwife No, speak I say. Mrs. Pinchwife She'l be angry with me, but I had rather she should be angry with me than you Budd; and to tell you the truth, 'twas she made me write the Letter, and taught me what I [25] should write. Mr. Pinchwife Ha---I thought the stile was somewhat better than her own, but how cou'd she come to you to teach you, since I had lock'd you up alone. Mrs. Pinchwife O through the key hole Budd. Mr. Pinchwife But why should she make you write a Letter for her to him, since she can write her self? Mrs. Pinchwife Why she said because---for I was unwilling to do it. Mr. Pinchwife Because what---because. Mrs. Pinchwife Because lest Mr. Horner should be cruel, and refuse her, or vaine afterwards, and shew the Letter, she might disown it, the hand not being hers. Mr. Pinchwife How's this? ha---then I think I shall come to my self again---This changeling cou'd not invent this lye, but if she cou'd, why should she? she might think I should soon discover it---stay---now I think on't too, Horner said he was sorry she had married Sparkish, and her disowning her marriage to me, makes me think she has evaded it, for Horner's sake, yet why should she take this course, but men in love are fools, women may well be so.--- [Aside. But hark you Madam, your Sister went out in the morning, and I have not seen her within since. Mrs. Pinchwife A lack a day she has been crying all day above [50] it seems in a corner. Mr. Pinchwife Where is she, let me speak with her. Mrs. Pinchwife O Lord then he'l discover all--- [Aside. Pray hold Budd, what d'y mean to discover me, she'l know I have told you then, pray Budd let me talk with her first--- Mr. Pinchwife I must speak with her to know whether Horner ever made her any promise; and whether she be married to Sparkish or no. Mrs. Pinchwife Pray dear Budd don't, till I have spoken with her and told her that I have told you all, for she'll kill me else. Mr. Pinchwife Go then and bid her come out to me. Mrs. Pinchwife Yes, yes Budd--- Mr. Pinchwife Let me see--- Mrs. Pinchwife I'le go, but she is not within to come to him, I have just got time to know of Lucy her Maid, who first set me on work, what lye I shall tell next, for I am e'ne at my wits end--- [Exit Mrs. Pinchwife. Mr. Pin, Well I resolve it, Horner shall have her, I'd rather give him my Sister than lend him my Wife, and such an alliance will prevent his pretensions to my Wife sure,---I'le make him of kinn to her, and then he won't care for her, [Mrs. Pinchwife returns. Mrs. Pinchwife O Lord Budd I told you what anger you would make me with my Sister. Mr. Pinchwife [75] Won't she come hither? Mrs. Pinchwife No no, alack a day, she's asham'd to look you in the face, and she says if you go in to her, she'l run away down stairs, and shamefully go her self to Mr. Horner, who has promis'd her marriage she says, and she will have no other, so she won't--- Mr. Pinchwife Did he so---promise her marriage---then she shall have no other, go tell her so, and if she will come and discourse with me a little concerning the means, I will about it immediately, go--- [Exit Mrs. Pinchwife His estate is equal to Sparkish's, and his extraction as much better than his, as his parts are, but my chief reason is, I'd rather be of kin to him by the name of Brother-in-law, than that of Cuckold--- Well what says she now? [Enter Mrs. Pinchwife Mrs. Pinchwife Why she says she would only have you lead her to Horners lodging---with whom she first will discourse the matter before she talk with you, which yet she cannot doe; for alack poor creature, she says she can't so much as look you in the face, therefore she'l come to you in a mask, and you must excuse her if she make you no answer to any question of yours, till you have brought her to Mr. Horner, and if you will not chide her, nor question her, she'l come out to you immediately. Mr. Pinchwife Let her come I will not speak a word to her, nor [100] require a word from her. Mrs. Pinchwife Oh I forgot, besides she says, she cannot look you in the face, though through a mask, therefore wou'd desire you to put out the Candle. Mr. Pinchwife I agree to all, let her make haste---there 'tis out---My case Exit Mrs. Pinchwife puts out the Candle. is something better, I'd rather fight with Horner for not lying with my Sister, than for lying with my Wife, and of the two I had rather find my Sister too forward than my Wife; I expected no other from her free education, as she calls it, and her passion for the Town---well---Wife and Sister are names which make us expect Love and duty, pleasure and comfort, but we find'em plagues and torments, and are equally, though differently troublesome to their keeper; for we have as much a doe to get people to lye with our Sisters, as to keep'em from lying with our Wives. Enter Mrs. Pinchwife Masked, and in Hoods and Scarves, and a night Gown and Petticoat of Alitheas in the dark. What are you come Sister? let us go then---but first let me lock up my Wife, Mrs. Margery where are you? Mrs. Pinchwife Here Budd. Mr. Pinchwife Come hither, that I may lock you up, get you in, Come Sister where are you now? Locks the door. [Mrs. Pinchwife gives him her hand, but when he lets her go, she steals softly on t'other side of him, and is lead away by him for his Sister Alithea.] The Scene changes to Horners Lodging. Quack Horner. Quack. What all alone, not so much as one of your Cuckolds here, nor one of their Wives! they use to take their turns with you, as if they were to watch you. Horner Yes it often happens, that a Cuckold is but his Wifes [125] spye, and is more upon family duty, when he is with her gallant abroad hindring his pleasure, than when he is at home with her playing the Gallant, but the hardest duty a married woman imposes upon a lover is, keeping her husband company always. Quack. And his fondness wearies you almost as soon as hers. Horner A Pox, keeping a Cuckold company after you have had his Wife, is as tiresome as the company of a Country Squire to a witty fellow of the Town, when he has got all his Mony, Quack. And as at first a man makes a friend of the Husband to get the Wife, so at last you are faine to fall out with the Wife to be rid of the Husband. Horner Ay, most Cuckold-makers are true Courtiers, when once a poor man has crack'd his credit for'em, they can't abide to come neer him. Quack. But at first to draw him in are so sweet, so kind, so dear, just as you are to Pinchwife, but what becomes of that intrigue with his Wife? Horner A Pox he's as surly as an Alderman that has been bit, and since he's so coy, his Wife's kindness is in vain, for she's a silly innocent. Quack. Did she not send you a Letter by him? Horner Yes, but that's a riddle I have not yet solv'd---allow [150] the poor creature to be willing, she is silly too, and he keeps her up so close--- Quack. Yes, so close that he makes her but the more willing, and adds but revenge to her love, which two when met seldome faile of satisfying each other one way or other. Horner What here's the man we are talking of I think. Enter Mr. Pinchwife leading in his Wife Masqued, Muffled, and in her Sisters Gown. Horner Pshaw. Quack. Bringing his Wife to you is the next thing to bringing a Love Letter from her. Horner VVhat means this? Mr. Pinchwife The last time you know Sir I brought you a love Letter, now you see a Mistress, I think you'l say I am a civil man to you. Horner Ay the Devil take me will I say thou art the civillest man I ever met with, and I have known some; I fancy, I understand thee now, better than I did the Letter, but hark thee in thy eare--- Mr. Pinchwife VVhat? Horner Nothing but the usual question man, is she found on thy word? Mr. Pinchwife VVhat you take her for a VVench and me for a Pimp? Horner Pshaw, wench and Pimp, paw words, I know thou art an honest fellow, and hast a great acquaintance among the Ladies, and perhaps hast made love for me rather than let [175] me make love to thy VVise--- Mr. Pinchwife Come Sir, in short, I am for no fooling. Horner Nor I neither, therefore prythee let's see her face presently, make her show man, art thou sure I don't know her? Mr. Pinchwife I am sure you doe know her. Horner A Pox why dost thou bring her to me then? Mr. Pinchwife Because she's a Relation of mine. Horner Is she faith man, then thou art still more civil and obliging, dear Rogue. Mr. Pinchwife VVho desir'd me to bring her to you. Horner Then she is obliging, dear Rogue. Mr. Pinchwife You'l make her welcome for my sake I hope. Horner I hope she is handsome enough to make her self wellcome; prythee let her unmask. Mr. Pinchwife Doe you speak to her, she wou'd never be rul'd by me. Horner Madam--- [Mrs. Pinchwife whispers to Horner She says she must speak with me in private, withdraw prythee. Mr. Pinchwife She's unwilling it seems I shou'd know all her undecent conduct in this business--- [Aside. VVel then Ile leave you together, and hope when I am gone you'l agree, if not you and I shan't agree Sir.--- Horner VVhat means the Fool?---if she and I agree 'tis no matter what you and I do. [Whispers to Mrs Pin, who makes signs with her hand for him to be gone.] Mr. Pinchwife [200] In the mean time I'le fetch a Parson, and find out Sporkish and disabuse him. You wou'd have me fetch a Parson, would you not, well then ---Now I think I am rid of her, and shall have no more trouble with her---Our Sisters and Daughters like Usurers money, are safest, when put out; but our Wifes, like their writings, never safe, but in our Closets under Lock and Key. [Exit Mr. Pinchwife Enter Boy. Boy. Sir Jaspar Fidget Sir is coming up. Horner Here's the trouble of a Cuckold, now we are talking of, a pox on him, has he not enough to doe to hinder his Wifes sport, but he must other women's too.---Step in here Madam. [Exit Mrs. Pinchwife Enter Sir JaSparkish Sir Jas. My best and dearest Friend. Horner The old stile Doctor--- Well be short, for I am busie, what would your impertinent Wife have now? Sir Jas. Well guess'd y' faith, for I do come from her. Horner To invite me to supper, tell her I can't come, go. Sir Jas. Nay, now you are out faith, for my Lady and the whole knot of the virtuous gang, as they call themselves, are resolv'd upon a frolick of coming to you to night in a Masquerade, and are all drest already. Horner I shan't be at home. Sir Jas. Lord how churlish he is to women---nay prythee don't disappoint'em, they'l think 'tis my fault, prythee [225] don't, I'le send in the Banquet and the Fiddles, but make no noise on't, for the poor virtuous Rogues would not have it known for the world, that they go a Masquerading, and they would come to no mans Ball, but yours. Horner Well, well---get you gone, and tell'em if they come, 'twill be at the peril of their honour and yours. Sir Jas. Heh, he, he---we'l trust you for that, farewell--- [Exit Sir JaSparkish Horner Doctor anon you too shall be my guest. But now I'm going to a private feast. The Scene changes to the Piazza of Covent Garden. Sparkish, Pinchwife. Sparkish with the Letter in his hand. Sparkish But who would have thought a woman could have been false to me, by the world, I could not have thought it. Mr. Pinchwife You were for giving and taking liberty, she has taken it only Sir, now you find in that Letter, you are a frank person, and so is she you see there. Sparkish Nay if this be her hand---for I never saw it. Mr. Pinchwife 'Tis no matter whether that be her hand or no, I am sure this hand at her desire lead her to Mr. Horner, with whom I left her just now, to go fetch a Parson to'em at their desire too, to deprive you of her for ever, for it seems yours was but a mock marriage. Sparkish Indeed she wou'd needs have it that 'twas Harcourt himself in a Parsons habit, that married us, but I'm sure he told me 'twas his Brother Ned. Mr. Pinchwife O there 'tis out and you were deceiv'd not she, [250] for you are such a frank person---but I must be gone--- you'l find her at Mr. Horners, goe and believe your eyes. [Exit Mr. Pinchwife Sparkish Nay I'le to her, and call her as many Crocodiles, Syrens, Harpies, and other heathenish names, as a Poet would do a Mistress, who had refus'd to heare his suit, nay more his Verses on her. But stay, is not that she following a Torch at t'other end of the Piazza, and from Horners certainly---'tis so--- Enter Alithea following a Torch, and Lucy behind. You are well met Madam though you don't think so; what you have made a short visit to Mr. Horner, but I suppose you'l return to him presently, by that time the Parson can be with him. Ali. Mr. Horner, and the Parson Sir--- Sparkish Come Madam no more dissembling, no more jilting for I am no more a frank person. Alithea How's this. Lucy. So 'twill work I see--- [Aside. Sparkish Cou'd you find out no easie Country Fool to abuse? none but me, a Gentleman of wit and pleasure about the Town, but it was your pride to be too hard for a man of parts, unworthy false woman, false as a friend that lends a man mony to lose, false as dice, who undoe those that trust all they have to'em. Lucy. He has been a great bubble by his similes as they say--- [Aside. Ali. [275] You have been too merry Sir at your wedding dinner sure. Spar What d'y mock me too? Ali. Or you have been deluded. Sparkish By you. Ali. Let me understand you. Sparkish Have you the confidence, I should call it something else, since you know your guilt, to stand my just reproaches? you did not write an impudent Letter to Mr. Horner, who I find now has club'd with you in deluding me with his aversion for women, that I might not forsooth suspect him for my Rival. Lucy. D'y think the Gentleman can be jealous now Madam--- [Aside. Ali. I write a Letter to Mr. Horner! Sparkish Nay Madam, do not deny it, your Brother shew'd it me just now, and told me likewise he left you at Horners lodging to fetch a Parson to marry you to him, and I wish you joy Madam, joy, joy, and to him too much joy, and to my self more joy for not marrying you. Ali. So I find my Brother would break off the match, and I can consent to't, since I see this Gentleman can be made jealous. [Aside. O Lucy, by his rude usage and jealousie, he makes me almost afraid I am married to him, art thou sure 'twas Harcourt himself and no Parson that married us. Sparkish [300] No Madam I thank you, I suppose that was a contrivance too of Mr. Horners and yours, to make Harcourt play the Parson, but I would as little as you have him one now, no not for the world, for shall I tell you another truth, I never had any passion for you, 'till now, for now I hate you, 'tis true I might have married your portion, as other men of parts of the Town do sometimes, and so your Servant, and to shew my unconcernedness, I'le come to your wedding, and resign you with as much joy as I would a stale wench to a new Cully, nay with as much joy as I would after the first night, if I had been married to you, there's for you, and so your Servant, Servant. [Exit Sparkish Ali. How was I deceiv'd in a man! Lucy. You'l believe then a fool may be made jealous now? for that easiness in him that suffers him to be led by a Wife, will likewise permit him to be perswaded against her by others. Ali. But marry Mr. Horner, my brother does not intend it sure; if I thought he did, I would take thy advice, and Mr. Harcourt for my Husband, and now I wish, that if there be any over-wise woman of the Town, who like me would marry a fool, for fortune, liberty, or title, first that her husband may love Play, and be a Cully to all the Town, but her, and suffer none but fortune to be mistress of his purse, then if for liberty, that he may send her into the Country under the conduct [325] of some housewifely mother-in law; and if for title, may the world give 'em none but that of Cuckold. Lucy. And for her greater curse Madam, may he not deserve it. Ali. Away impertinent---is not this my old Lady Lanterlus? Lucy. Yes Madam. [Aside. [and here I hope we shall find Mr. Harcourt--- [Exeunt Ali. Lucy. The Scene changes again to Horner's Lodging. Horner, Lady Fidget, Mrs. Daynty Fidget, Mrs. Squeamish, a Table, Banquet, and Bottles. Horner A Pox they are come too soon---before I have sent back my new---Mistress, all I have now to do, is to lock her in, that they may not see her--- [Aside. Lady Fidget That we may be sure of our wellcome, we have brought our entertainment with us, and are resolv'd to treat thee, dear Toad. Dayn. And that we may be merry to purpose, have left Sir Jaspar and my old Lady Squeamish quarrelling at home at Baggammon. Squeam. Therefore let us make use of our time, lest they should chance to interrupt us. Lady Fidget Let us sit then. Horner First that you may be private, let me lock this door, and that, and I'le wait upon you presently. Lady Fidget No Sir, shut 'em only and your lips for ever, for we must trust you as much as our women. Horner You know all vanity's kill'd in me, I have no occasion for talking. Lady Fidget Now Ladies, supposing we had drank each of us [350] our two Bottles, let us speak the truth of our hearts. Dayn. and Squeam. Agreed. Lady Fidget By this brimmer, for truth is no where else to be found, [Not in thy heart false man. [Aside to Horner Horner You have found me a true man I'm sure. [Aside to Lady Fid. Lady Fidget Not every way--- [Aside to Horner But let us sit and be Merry. Lady Fidget sings. 1. Why should our damn'd Tyrants oblige us to live, On the pittance of Pleasure which they only give. We must not rejoyce, With Wine and with noise. In vaine we must wake in a dull bed alone. Whilst to our warm Rival the Bottle, they're gone. Then lay aside charms, And take up these arms [Side note: 1Kb] 2. 'Tis Wine only gives 'em their Courage and Wit, Because we live sober to men we submit. If for Beauties you'd pass. Take a lick of the Glass. 'Twill mend your complexions, and when they are gone, The best red we have is the red of the Grape. Then Sisters lay't on. And dam a good shape. Dayn. Dear Brimmer, well in token of our openness and [375] plain dealing, let us throw our Masques over our heads. Horner So 'twill come to the Glasses anon. Squeam. Lovely Brimmer, let me enjoy him first. Lady Fidget No, I never part with a Gallant, till I've try'd him. Dear Brimmer that mak'st our Husbands short sighted. Dayn. And our bashful gallants bold. Squeam. And for want of a Gallant, the Butler lovely in our eyes, drink Eunuch. Lady Fidget Drink thou representative of a Husband, damn a Husband. Dayn. And as it were a Husband, an old keeper. Squeam. And an old Grandmother. Horner And an English Bawd, and a French Chirurgion. Lady Fidget Ay we have all reason to curse 'em. Horner For my sake Ladies. Lady Fidget No, for our own, for the first spoils all young gallants industry. Dayn. And the others art makes 'em bold only with common women. Squeam. And rather run the hazard of the vile distemper amongst them, than of a denial amongst us. Dayn. The filthy Toads chuse Mistresses now, as they do Stuffs, for having been fancy'd and worn by others. Squeam. For being common and cheap. La. Lid. [400] Whilst women of quality, like the richest Stuffs, lye untumbled, and unask'd for. Horner Ay neat, and cheap, and new often they think best. Dayn. No Sir, the Beasts will be known by a Mistriss longer than by a suit. Squeam. And 'tis not for cheapness neither. Lady Fidget No, for the vain fopps will take up Druggets, and embroider 'em, but I wonder at the depraved appetites of witty men, they use to be out of the common road, and hate imitation, pray tell me beast, when you were a man, why you rather chose to club with a multitude in a common house, for an entertainment, than to be the only guest at a good Table. Horner Why faith ceremony and expectation are unsufferable to those that are sharp bent, people always eat with the best stomach at an ordinary, where every man is snatching for the best bit. Lady Fidget Though he get a cut over the fingers---but I have heard people eat most heartily of another man's meat, that is, what they do not pay for. Horner When they are sure of their wellcome and freedome, for ceremony in love and eating, is as ridiculous as in fighting, falling on briskly is all should be done in those occasions. Lady Fidget Well then let me tell you Sir, there is no where [425] more freedome than in our houses, and we take freedom from a young person as a sign of good breeding, and a person may be as free as he pleases with us, as frolick, as gamesome, as wild as he will. Horner Han't I heard you all declaim against wild men. Lady Fidget Yes, but for all that, we think wildness in a man, as desirable a quality, as in a Duck, or Rabbet; a tame man, foh. Horner I know not, but your Reputations frightned me, as much as your Faces invited me. Lady Fidget Our Reputation, Lord! Why should you not think, that we women make use of our Reputation, as you men of yours, only to deceive the world with less suspicion; our virtue is like the State-man's Religion, the Quakers Word, the Gamesters Oath, and the Great Man's Honour, but to cheat those that trust us. Squeam. And that Demureness, Coyness, and Modesty, that you see in our Faces in the Boxes at Plays, is as much a sign of a kind woman, as a Vizard-mask in the Pit. Dayn. For I assure you, women are least mask'd, when they have the Velvet Vizard on. Lady Fidget You wou'd have found us modest women in our denyals only. Squeam. Our bashfulness is only the reflection of the Men's. Dayn. [450] We blush, when they are shame-fac'd. Horner I beg your pardon Ladies, I was deceiv'd in you devilishly, but why, that mighty pretence to Honour? Lady Fidget We have told you; but sometimes 'twas for the same reason you men pretend business often, to avoid ill company, to enjoy the better, and more privately those you love. Horner But why, wou'd you ne'er give a Friend a wink then? Lady Fidget Faith, your Reputation frightned us as much, as ours did you, you were so notoriously lewd. Horner And you so seemingly honest. Lady Fidget Was that all that deterr'd you? Horner And so expensive---you allow freedom you say. Lady Fidget Ay, ay. Horner That I was afraid of losing my little money, as well as my little time, both which my other pleasures required. Lady Fidget Money, foh---you talk like a little fellow now, do such as we expect money? Horner I beg your pardon, Madam, I must confess, I have heard that great Ladies, like great Merchants, set but the higher prizes upon what they have, because they are not in necessity of taking the first offer. Dayn. Such as we, make sale of our hearts? Squeam. We brib'd for our Love? Foh. Horner [475] With your pardon, Ladies, I know, like great men in Offices, you seem to exact flattery and attendance only from your Followers, but you have receivers about you, and such fees to pay, a man is afraid to pass your Grants; besides we must let you win at Cards, or we lose your hearts; and if you make an assignation, 'tis at a Goldsmiths, Jewellers, or China house, where for your Honour, you deposit to him, he must pawn his, to the punctual Citt, and so paying for what you take up, pays for what he takes up. Dayn. Wou'd you not have us assur'd of our Gallants Love? Squeam. For Love is better known by Liberality, than by Jealousie. Lady Fidget For one may be dissembled, the other not---but my Jealousie can be no longer dissembled, and they are telling ripe: [Aside. Come here's to our Gallants in waiting, whom we must name, and I'll begin, this is my false Rogue. [Claps him on the back. Squeam. How! Horner So all will out now--- Squeam. Did you not tell me, 'twas for my sake only, you reported your self no man? [Aside to Horner. Dayn. Oh Wretch! did you not swear to me, 'twas for my Love, and Honour, you pass'd for that thing you do? Aside to Horner. Horner [500] So, so. Lady Fidget Come, speak Ladies, this is my false Villain. Squeam. And mine too. Dayn. And mine. Horn. Well then, you are all three my false Rogues too, and there's an end on't. Lady Fidget Well then, there's no remedy, Sister Sharers, let us not fall out, but have a care of our Honour; though we get no Presents, no Jewels of him, we are savers of our Honour, the Jewel of most value and use, which shines yet to the world unsuspected, though it be counterfeit. Horner Nay, and is e'en as good, as if it were true, provided the world think so; for Honour, like Beauty now, only depends on the opinion of others. Lady Fidget Well Harry Common, I hope you can be true to three, swear, but 'tis no purpose, to require your Oath; for you are as often forsworn, as you swear to new women. Horner Come, faith Madam, let us e'en pardon one another, for all the difference I find betwixt we men, and you women, we forswear our selves at the beginning of an Amour, you, as long as it lasts. Enter Sir Jaspar Fidget, and old Lady Squeamish. Sir Jas. Oh my Lady Fidget, was this your cunning, to come to Mr. Horner without me; but you have been no where else I hope. Lady Fidget No, Sir JaSparkish Old La. Squeam. [525] And you came straight hither Biddy. Squeam. Yes indeed, Lady Grandmother. Sir Jas. 'Tis well, 'tis well, I knew when once they were throughly acquainted with poor Horner, they'd ne'er be from him; you may let her masquerade it with my Wife, and Horner, and I warrant her Reputation safe. Enter Boy. Boy. O Sir, here's the Gentleman come, whom you bid me not suffer to come up, without giving you notice, with a Lady too, and other Gentlemen--- Horner Do you all go in there, whil'st I send 'em away, and Boy, do you desire 'em to stay below 'til I come, which shall be immediately. Exeunt Sir Jaspar, Lady Fidget Squeam. Lady Fidget Fidget, Mistris Dainty, Squeamish. Boy. Yes Sir. [Exit. Exit Horner at t'other door, and returns with Mistris Pinchwife. Horner You wou'd not take my advice to be gone home, before your Husband came back, he'll now discover all, yet pray my Dearest be perswaded to go home, and leave the rest to my management, I'll let you down the back way. Mrs. Pinchwife I don't know the way home, so I don't. Horner My man shall wait upon you. Mrs. Pinchwife No, don't you believe, that I'll go at all; what are you weary of me already? Horner No my life, 'tis that I may love you long, 'tis to secure my love, and your Reputation with your Husband, he'll never receive you again else. Mrs. Pinchwife What care I, d'ye think to frighten me with [550] that? I don't intend to go to him again; you shall be my Husband now. Horner I cannot be your Husband, Dearest, since you are married to him. Mrs. Pinchwife O wou'd you make me believe that---don't I see every day at London here, women leave their first Husband, and go, and live with other men as their Wives, pish, pshaw, you'd make me angry, but that I love you so mainly. Horner So, they are coming up---In again, in, I hear 'em: Exit Mistris Pinchwife. Well, a silly Mistriss, is like a weak place, soon got, soon lost, a man has scarce time for plunder; she betrays her Husband, first to her Gallant, and then her Gallant, to her Husband. Enter Pinchwife, Alithea, Harcourt, Sparkish, Lucy, and a Parson. Mr. Pinchwife Come Madam, 'tis not the sudden change of your dress, the confidence of your asseverations, and your false witness there, shall perswade me, I did not bring you hither, just now; here's my witness, who cannot deny it, since you must be confronted---Mr. Horner, did not I bring this Lady to you just now? Horner Now must I wrong one woman for anothers sake, but that's no new thing with me; for in these cases I am still on the criminal's side, against the innocent. [Aside. Alithea Pray, speak Sir. Horner It must be so---I must be impudent, and try my luck, impudence uses to be too hard for truth. [Aside. Mr. Pinchwife [575] What, you are studying an evasion, or excuse for her, speak Sir. Horner No faith, I am something backward only, to speak in womens affairs or disputes. Mr. Pinchwife She bids you speak. Alithea Ay, pray Sir do, pray satisfie him, Horner Then truly, you did bring that Lady to me just now, Mr. Pinchwife O ho--- Alithea How Sir--- Harcourt How, Horner! Alithea What mean you Sir, I always took you for a man of Honour? Horner Ay, so much a man of Honour, that I must save my Mistriss, I thank you, come what will on't. [Aside. Sparkish So if I had had her, she'd have made me believe, the Moon had been made of a Christmas pye. Lucy. Now cou'd I speak, if I durst, and 'solve the Riddle, who am the Author of it. [Aside. Alithea O unfortunate Woman! a combination against my Honour, which most concerns me now, because you share in my disgrace, Sir, and it is your censure which I must now suffer, that troubles me, not theirs. Harcourt Madam, then have no trouble, you shall now see 'tis possible for me to love too, without being jealous, I will not only believe your innocence my self, but make all the world [600] believe it--- Horner I must now be concern'd for this Ladies Honour. Apart to Horner. Horner And I must be concern'd for a Ladies Honour too. Harcourt This Lady has her Honour, and I will protect it. Horner My Lady has not her Honour, but has given it me to keep, and I will preserve it. Harcourt I understand you not Horner I wou'd not have you. Mrs. Pinchwife What's the matter with 'em all [Mistress Pinchwife peeping in behind. Mr. Pinchwife Come, come, Mr. Horner, no more disputing, here's the Parson, I brought him not in vain. Horner No Sir, I'll employ him, if this Lady please. Mr. Pinchwife How, what d'ye mean? Spark. Ay, what does he mean? Horner Why, I have resign'd your Sister to him, he has my consent. Mr. Pinchwife But he has not mine Sir, a womans injur'd Honour, no more than a man's, can be repair'd or satisfied by any, but him that first wrong'd it; and you shall marry her presently, or--- [Lays his hand on his Sword. Enter to them Mistress Pinchwife. Mistriss Mr. Pinchwife O Lord, they'll kill poor Mr. Horner, besides he shan't marry her, whilest I stand by, and look on, I'll not lose my second Husband so. Mr. Pinchwife What do I see? Alithea [625] My Sister in my cloaths! Spark. Ha! Mrs. Pinchwife Nay, pray now don't quarrel about finding work for the Parson, he shall marry me to Mr. Horner; for now I believe, you have enough of me. [To Mr. Pinchwife. Horner Damn'd, damn'd loving Changeling. Mrs. Pinchwife Pray Sister, pardon me for telling so many lyes of you. Harcourt I suppose the Riddle is plain now. Lucy. No, that must be my work, good Sir, hear me. Kneels to Mr. Pinchwife, who stands doggedly, with his hat over his eyes. Mr. Pinchwife I will never hear woman again, but make 'em all silent, thus--- [Offers to draw upon his Wife. Horner No, that must not be. Mr. Pinchwife You then shall go first, 'tis all one to me. Offers to draw on Horner stopt by Harcourt. Harcourt Hold--- Enter Sir Jaspar Fidget, Lady Fidget, Lady Squeamish, Mrs. Dainty Fidget, Mrs. Squeamish. Sir Jas. What's the matter, what's the matter, pray what's the matter Sir, I beseech you communicate Sir. Mr. Pinchwife Why my Wife has communicated Sir, as your Wife may have done too Sir, if she knows him Sir--- Sir Jas. Pshaw, with him, ha, ha, he. Mr. Pinchwife D'ye mock me Sir, a Cuckold is a kind of a wild Beast, have a care Sir--- Sir Jas. No sure, you mock me Sir---he cuckold you! it can't be, ha, ha, he, why, I'll tell you Sir. Offers to whisper. Mr. Pinchwife I tell you again, he has whor'd my Wife, and [650] yours too, if he knows her, and all the women he comes near; 'tis not his dissembling, his hypocrisie can wheedle me. Sir Jas. How does he dissemble, is he a Hypocrite? nay then---how---Wife---Sister is he an Hypocrite? Old La. Squeam. An Hypocrite, a dissembler, speak young Harlotry, speak how? Sir Jas. Nay then---O my head too---O thou libinous Lady! Old La. Squeam. O thou Harloting, Harlotry, hast thou don't then? Sir Jas. Speak good Horner, art thou a dissembler, a Rogue? hast thou--- Horner Soh--- Lucy. I'll fetch you off, and her too, if she will but hold her tongue. [Apart to Horner Horner Canst thou? I'll give thee--- [Apart to Luc. Lucy to Mr. Pinchwife Pray have but patience to hear me Sir, who am the unfortunate cause of all this confusion, your Wife is innocent, I only culpable; for I put her upon telling you all these lyes, concerning my Mistress, in order to the breaking off the match, between Mr. Sparkish and her, to make way for Mr. Harcourt. Spark. Did you so eternal Rotten-tooth, then it seems my Mistress was not false to me, I was only deceiv'd by you, brother [675] that shou'd have been, now man of conduct, who is a frank person now, to bring your Wife to her Lover--- ha--- Lucy. I assure you Sir, she came not to Mr. Horner out of love, for she loves him no more--- Mrs. Pinchwife Hold, I told lyes for you, but you shall tell none for me, for I do love Mr. Horner with all my soul, and no body shall say me nay; pray don't you go to make poor Mr. Horner believe to the contrary, 'tis spitefully done of you, I'm sure. Horner Peace, Dear Ideot. [Aside to Mrs. Pinchwife Mrs. Pinchwife Nay, I will not peace. Mr. Pinchwife Not 'til I make you. Enter Dorilant, Quack. Dorilant Horner, your Servant, I am the Doctors Guest, he must excuse our intrusion. Quack. But what's the matter Gentlemen, for Heavens sake, what's the matter? Horner Oh 'tis well you are come---'tis a censorious world we live in, you may have brought me a reprieve, or else I had died for a crime, I never committed, and these innocent Ladies had suffer'd with me, therefore pray satisfie these worthy, honourable, jealous Gentlemen [Whispers. ---that--- Quack. O I understand you, is that all---Sir Jasper, by heavens and upon the word of a Physician [Whispers to Sir Jasper. [700] Sir,--- Sir Jas. Nay I do believe you truly---pardon me my virtuous Lady, and dear of honour. Old La. Squeam. What then all's right again. Sir Jas. Ay, ay, and now let us satisfie him too. They whisper with Mr. Pinch. Mr. Pinchwife An Eunuch! pray no fooling with me. Quack. I'le bring half the Chirurgions in Town to swear it. Mr. Pinchwife They---they'l sweare a man that bled to death through his wounds died of an Apoplexy. Quack. Pray hear me Sir---why all the Town has heard the report of him. Mr. Pinchwife But does all the Town believe it. Quack. Pray inquire a little, and first of all these. Mr. Pinchwife I'm sure when I left the Town he was the lewdest fellow in't. Quack. I tell you Sir he has been in France since, pray ask but these Ladies and Gentlemen, your friend Mr. Dorilant, Gentlemen and Ladies, han't you all heard the late sad report of poor Mr. Horner. All Lady Fidget Ay, ay, ay. Dorilant Why thou jealous Fool do'st thou doubt it, he's an errant French Capon. Mrs. Pinchwife 'Tis false Sir, you shall not disparage poor Mr. Horner, for to my certain knowledge--- Lucy. [725] O hold--- Squeam. Stop her mouth--- [Aside to Lucy. Old Lady Fidget Upon my honour Sir, 'tis as true. [To Pinch. Dayn. D'y think we would have been seen in his company--- Squeam. Trust our unspotted reputations with him! Old Lady Fidget This you get, and we too, by trusting your secret to a fool--- [Aside to Horner Horner Peace Madam,---[Aside to Quack. well Doctor is not this a good design that carryes a man on unsuspected, and brings him off safe.--- Mr. Pinchwife Well, if this were true, but my Wife--- [Aside [Dorilant whispers with Mrs. Pinch. Ali. Come Brother your Wife is yet innocent you see, but have a care of too strong an imagination, least like an over-concern'd timerous Gamester by fancying an unlucky cast it should come, Women and Fortune are truest still to those that trust 'em. Lucy. And any wild thing grows but the more fierce and hungry for being kept up, and more dangerous to the Keeper. Ali. There's doctrine for all Husbands Mr. Harcourt. Harcourt I edifie Madam so much, that I am impatient till I am one. Dorilant And I edifie so much by example I will never be one. Eew. And because I will not disparage my parts I'le ne're be one. Horner And I alass can't be one. Mr. Pinchwife [750] But I must be one---against my will to a Country-Wife, with a Country-murrain to me. Mrs. Pinchwife And I must be a Country Wife still too I find, for I can't like a City one, be rid of my musty Husband and doe what I list. [Aside. Horner Now Sir I must pronounce your Wife Innocent, though I blush whilst I do it, and I am the only man by her now expos'd to shame, which I will straight drown in Wine, as you shall your suspition, and the Ladies troubles we'l divert with a Ballet, Doctor where are your Maskers. Lucy. Indeed she's Innocent Sir, I am her witness, and her end of coming out was but to see her Sisters Wedding, and what she has said to your face of her love to Mr. Horner was but the usual innocent revenge on a Husbands jealousie, was it not Madam speak--- Mrs. Pinchwife Since you'l have me tell more lyes--- [Aside to Lucy and Horner. Yes indeed Budd. Mr. Pinchwife For my own sake fain I wou'd all believe. Cuckolds like Lovers shou'd themselves deceive. But---sighs--- His honour is least safe, (too late I find) Who trusts it with a foolish Wife or Friend. A Dance of Cuckolds. Horner Vain Fopps, but court, and dress, and keep a puther, To pass for Womens men, with one another. [775] But he who aimes by women to be priz'd, First by the men you see must be despis'd. Back matter FINIS. EPILOGUE spoken by Mr. Hart: Now you the Vigorous, who dayly here O're Vizard-Mask, in publick domineer, And what you'd doe to her if in Place where; Nay have the confidence, to cry come out, Yet when she says lead on, you are not stout; But to your well-drest Brother straight turn round And cry, Pox on her Ned, she can't be sound: Then slink away, a fresh one to ingage, With so much seeming heat and loving Rage, You'd frighten listning Actress on the Stage: Till she at last has seen you huffing come, And talk of keeping in the Tyreing-Room, Yet cannot be provok'd to lead her home: Next you Fallstaffs of fifty, who beset Your Buckram Maidenheads, which your friends get; And whilst to them, you of Atchievements boast, They share the booty, and laugh at your cost. In fine, you Essens't Boyes, both Old and Young, Who wou'd be thought so eager, brisk, and strong, Yet do the Ladies, not their Husbands, wrong: Whose Purses for your manhood make excuse, And keep your Flanders Mares for shew, not use; Encourag'd by our Womans Man to day, A Horners part may vainly think to Play; And may Intreagues so bashfully disown That they may doubted be by few or none, May kiss the Cards at Picquet, Hombre,---Lu, And so be thought to kiss the Lady too; But Gallants, have a care faith, what you do. The World, which to no man his due will give, You by experience know you can deceive, And men may still believe you Vigorous, But then we Women,---there's no cous'ning us. FINIS. Text in the public domain. Copied from http://genius.com/Beth-seltzer-william-wycherley-the-country-wife-1675-unedited-annotated 20 Oct 2015.
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[[CH92]-errant-erring or straying from the proper course or standards.
[CH93]-Canonical Hours- mark the divisions of the day in terms of periods of fixed prayer at regular intervals. [HG90] Rhetorick- "rhetoric" the art of persuading speaking or writing [HG91] pulpit- a platform where sermons are delivered from [JH94] "Munificent" Adjective. Means characterized by great generosity. [JH95] "Railing" Verb. Means to utter bitter complaint or vehement denunciation. [MK93] "Megrim" means depression; low spirits. [MK94] "Chary" means cautiously or suspiciously reluctant to do something. [MJ 91] "Abus'd" is a proper, abbreviated way of saying abused. [MJ 92] smooty: beautiful, desirable; nutty, crazy; in reference to one's bottom. "Let's not be smooty"- unsure of which definition she has in mind. [RD90] Pulvilio- perfumed powder that was applied to the skin or a wig [RD91] Censorious- severely critical of others [RG89] Sloven- a habitually messy or careless person who does not seem to care about outward personal appearance [SH98] chaplain - a member of the clergy attached to a private chapel, institution, ship, branch of the armed forces, etc. [SH99] Coxcomb - vain and conceited man [JM92] “seraphick” A six-winged angel; the highest choir or order of angels in Christian angelology, ranked above cherubim, and below God. [JM93] “moiling” meaning working hard [TK88] “Wencher” referring to wench means a country lass or working girl [TK89] “impudent” means characterized by impertinence or effrontery: obsolete, shameless or brazenly immodest [RC88] Warrant means justification. [RC89] Divel means to tear asunder or draw apart |